Lori is a Moron (Among Other Things) – Walking Dead Finale

(spoiler warning)

Dear Lori,

It took a zombie horde at your doorstep to finally notice that Carl is a bit of a vegabond. No, I’m just kidding, he’s really becoming one of those wandering creeps who grow up being a peeping tom at community swimming pools and an animal abuser when no one is looking (or when someone is actually looking, you’ll never know, mama).

As bratty as he is, at least Carl helped your husband from being eaten by your ex-lover, who by the way, was attempting to kill Rick because you opened your trap that morning to try and absolve him of all his sins and made it clear that he will always be second fiddle, which in turn made him a psycho murderer. I’m not even sure why you got mad at Rick for disposing of him in self-defense. Or that Carl saved Rick’s life. The kid fired a gun. He learned something useful. Can’t say much about you and your entitlement issues.

If you continue to be stupid, I hope that baby in your belly eats its way out of your navel. I’m not even sure why anybody hasn’t shot you yet. Maybe it has something to do with the pregnancy or ethics or something like that, but zombie apocalypse takes no excuses.

With spittle and menace,
Walking Dead viewer

The first 20 minutes of the show made up for all the farm time I hated. What an adrenaline rush. Every time a horde overwhelms a group of survivors, I’m especially excitable, jumping in my seat, doing an inseat-mock run of urgency like I need to pee, putting my hands near my mouth, and yelling at stupid actions taken in the most critical times. This episode had some killer pacing.

Let’s recap some fun things about the finale:

1) Undead Migration. I’m not so caught up in the “where did the helicopter go, and why hasn’t it flown over the farm yet?” That heli could’ve detoured to anywhere, and from the time the horde is in Atlanta to the time they appear on the farm, a season has passed because they’ve been slowly moving from the city to get to where they are now. The zombie-only cold opening is enough to give me the jeebies. The worst feeling I ever got from zombies is knowing that you’re being chased down by a singular  undead guy, because you know you need to run faster, but you don’t know if you’re succeeding and can’t look back because looking back is counter-productive. That could be just me. The second worst is seeing how many more zombies there are than your modest numbers, and knowing that you can’t win. Might I mention the score as well? For a zombie hater, it was a chilling prelude to epic destruction. It was the underline to, “Damn, you’re all screwed.” Bravo, Bear McCreary!

2) Herschel’s Shotgun of Magnificent Combos. Did anyone notice that Herschel was blowing the brains out of every oncoming zombie? Infinite headshots! Did anyone notice that he never needed to reload that gun until Rick came by? No, because the doc’s just too cool for that. It’s probably his suspenders.

I have a soft spot for him, and I was so nervous watching the walkers advancing in increasingly terrifying numbers. I really wanted him to survive, and was glad that he did, but of course, not before proving that he was a badass in disguise. I was feeling pity, sadness and awe all at the same time. Nothing is as ridiculously cool as seeing an old guy standing up to protect the life that he built. It’s almost as if you can sense him playing through a montage in his mind of moving into his home with his wife, having his children, tending to his farm, having that normal life. Then it lapses back into the present where  you can see it all burning down like the barn. And he’s still got the sense to leave (even if at first he announced his willingness to die there), survive, and not be stubborn about being realistic. He’s come a long way. Great development.

3) Carol’s flailing arms. This could make me an awful person but I laughed so hard watching Carol do the stupid thing and run away from the group during the assault. It was just the wild madness of it all, and I give props to the actress for making it unintentionally funny. Maybe because the character irritates me so much and I’m so cruel that their misfortune seems a roiling wave of entertainment to me. /Guffaw Unfortunately, in a moment of weakness, I secretly hoped for her survival due to the intensity of the scene itself – I just hate seeing the zombies win. In this case, extinction of the human race was on the horizon -in this part of the country anway- which took precedence over any qualms I had for anyone. An exception for Lori; but more on that later (no, I’m not done). Carol was particularly useless and accusing later on, but her escape scene was so worth bearing the pain after.

4) Walkers do what they do best. So nasty, but definitely needed was a good Eat-The-People session. ‘Cause there’s no use bringing a horde to the party if no one’s gonna get hurt. Better that it was Jimmy and Patricia than anyone else. I wished they ate Beth too, because of how she wouldn’t let go of her mom’s hand (this really bothered me for some reason), but you can’t win everything when you’re not the director. And this time, the walkers were finally the most fearsome they’ve been all season, not just an obstacle you can just hurdle over.

5) Angsty Rick. In small doses, please! Although I still hate that his ass is still firmly lodged in the Indian Chief seat, he really got in a few good points with his team lecture. Rick pointedly tearing down Carol after she mouthed off on him made it even better, because Carol’s utterly useless and unhelpful and Rick’s just trying to have everyone keep their shit together to live. He’s definitely heading down the road of depression, but it’s better than seeing him lie to himself and being disillusioned about everything. Now that everyone’s being judgy, his leadership is going to be challenged soon. I hope, however, that he doesn’t end up being overly preachy and tragic about his role and his life, and that we won’t have to constantly bear with a ranty monologue each episode. There is something still overbearing about him, but his outburst is a character improvement.

6) The group magically finding each other on the highway. After all the intense screaming, running and splitting up, it’s ridiculously unrealistic to have them end up at the Sophia meeting point. What are the chances ? But it was touching to  experience their brief reconciliation and relief. I was crossing fingers the whole time and hoping that one of their cars wouldn’t flip over or be disturbed by unexpected walkers. Glad that it didn’t, even if it was as cliched and a tiny bit cheesy. A happy “ending” once in awhile is well appreciated in a body-strewn, death drenched world of loss.

7) Andrea turning into a fighter. This came to me as a huge surprise because it tweaked my perception of her. To me, Andrea had always “been the other Lori”. Her arc that constantly trod the suicide line consisted of too much whining, poor excuses, and overall bad behaviour. If she wanted to kill herself so badly, someone should’ve told her that there were other ways to die than be vaporized in a lab explosion.

Then she helped Beth and the others get away, some less deserving of their survival considering the actions they took. In the heat of the zombie attack, I was gnawing on my knuckles with the hope that everyone (except Lori) would make it and the walkers wouldn’t win. They can’t win! I hate them. It made me feel conflicted at first to be switching opinions, because if it had been Andrea getting bitten during her suburban excursion with Shane, I wouldn’t have given a damn.

As she went down and got back up, I liked her a little more. She put a few bullets in a few brains, got abandoned twice, which drew a lot of pity from me and alarmed me plenty, picked up the duffel bag of supplies and ran. It was sensible, she didn’t give up, and best of all, she proved she was worth her life. The forest scene was what impressed me the most. I must admit, it was badass to see her on the run, clearly being physically exhausted from trying to escape the tireless onslaught of walkers chasing after her. I whooped when she delivered a couple of headshots, cheered when she melee-ed the brains out of another two. Too bad the appearance of the katana-swinging mystery warrior stole the thunder with its armless, over-the-top chained zombie slaves.

I’m just so shocked that I’m suddenly excited about an Andrea storyline. Great acting on Laurie Holden’s part and excellent directing overall.

8) Prison time! A new arc! With prisoners! And canned food! Can’t wait to see the stereotypes this show cooks up for the new characters.

Things that still bothered me:

1) Lori. As long as this woman remains on my screen I will forever be shaking my fist at it and gasping at how she gets away with practically murdering others by doing something incredibly stupid. In fact, she gets away with a lot of stupidity. Selfish, needy, ignorant. Unbelievable how she’s not dead yet. This woman needs to be axed immediately.

2) I love you, by Glenn. So forced. I liked Maggie’s ugly cry because I felt sad for her, but sometimes it just doesn’t work to say it as soon as a woman has just made it absolutely clear that she is deeply worried and scared for her life and the lives of her family members. The fact that Glenn chose that moment to express it seemed to say that 1) he didn’t think that they’d survive long enough to have the chance to say it, making all his soothing words a total lie 2) he used it in hopes of bringing some form of superficial relief to her 3) he got frustrated that she couldn’t calm down and trust him so they could move on to safer pastures. Ill-timed.

3) Daryl still being second best. I know Daryl and Rick have some kind of unspoken mutual understanding and respect for each other and the respective roles they have in the group. Maybe Rick is Daryl’s new Merle and he’s completely fine with being a submissive henchman type. I don’t buy it yet. It was especially disappointing when he didn’t mutter a word when Rick was busy unloading on the group by the fire. Obviously, Carol made some blatant allusions to Daryl being more honourable than Rick, but the fact that Daryl decided to stand back and accept that Rick was still in-charge was a splash of cold water to the face. I thought he was more developed than that. I’m not saying that he should antagonize Rick like Shane did or have a power struggle, God no. But he should’ve at least put in his two cents on the whole situation.

4) Stark errors. This is more of a minor complaint, but there were a few things that just didn’t make sense. For example, the group meets on the highway. Couldn’t they have refueled on gas with the abandoned vehicles? I didn’t understand why squeezing more people into a car was a problem. Couldn’t someone sit on another’s lap until they find a gas station/extra vehicle to draw fuel from? If the car was so beat up, it probably wouldn’t be impossible to hotwire another car from the highway.

Another thing was the silliness of Daryl’s bike. It makes so much noise. Doesn’t that attract unwanted attention? It would only be logical to ditch it for something quieter. I’m not sure why nobody’s objected to having it around. The rumbling exhaust is probably enough to cause walker migration. It’s so loud! And the extra space of a car could be far more useful as a mobile storage vehicle for supplies they pick up on the way. Maybe because it’s a Harley. Those must be a little harder to give up than other things.

5) Waiting. Season 3 is in fall. That is all.

Talky talk

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